Sexual Self-Esteem

I remember when I was 12 and in love with a girl in my class. I'd punch her really hard in the stomach, pull her hair, steal her lunch and pass scandalous notes about her in class as a way to show her I liked her. I know what you're thinking……pretty subtle huh? I used to think that stalking was the true definition of unconditional love in its purest form. Then I realized that just telling a woman that you love her –WITHOUT an erection is real love. I grew up with seven older sisters. Is it any wonder that negative thoughts of relationships and marriage pervade my life? I even envisioned myself someday publishing a magazine on the subject of relationships for men. I’d call it, “WHIPPED”. It would feature articles and headliners such as:

Be Your Own Boss
when she’s not around

Coping With the Loss of Your Friends
and the introduction of hers

Dealing With the Absence of Sex

10 New Ways to Sleep on the Couch!

Sexual Self-Esteem
How to carry her purse and still feel like a man!

How to Avoid Her Family
And yes, her sister is off limits

I’m really not this cynical but it made me realize that maintaining communication between the sexes is fraught with difficulty. If you've ever read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus", or “He’s Just not that Into You” you'll have wasted good money that you could have spent buying drinks at the bar and singing karaoke. You'll learn the same thing: women are articulate and talkative and like to discuss emotions and inner problems. Men just sit there and say "Uh huh" every so often in order to seem like they're listening while looking down your blouse wondering if you'd consider having sex with me. I mean…..them. And if your girlfriend ever says to you, "You know what I really enjoy out of life? I want to settle down with someone I can just come home to and talk about the day I had at work, cuddle with on the couch and just be myself." Gentlemen, this not the time to ask, "Will there still be blow jobs?"

Speaking of sex, how many people here have or would have a threesome? I mean isn't ménage a trios French for "Who the heck is that dude?" Just a curiosity but isn't that like just getting permission to have an affair right in front of your partner? Has this ever worked for anyone? This isn't a fantasy. The REAL fantasy in today's relationships is being able to trust someone and communicate.

Finally, what is the true meaning of sexual self-esteem? If at a bar-b-que and you find the reason most of your female friends have never come on to you before is because they all thought you were gay? Laugh in astonishment, grab your crotch, hock out a loogey and begin talking about football immediately. Hey, it’s not that bad. When it comes to sexual self-esteem women have it worse – treadmill, scrub, moisturize, tone, wax, pluck, shave, braid, tint (top), dye (bottom), deodorize, exfoliate, mask, manicure, pedicure, Botox, fill, shade, conceal, paint, powder, glitter, gloss, perfume, decorate and style. And that’s just on the outside. So, when it comes to sexual self-esteem us guys seem to have it easier. That is, until the women at the bar-b-que start talking about penis size.

The Unlucky II

The smile on her mouth was the dearest thing
Alive enough only to have strength to die
Replaced by the grin of biterness thereby
Since then keen lessons both agree
love deceives