Annual New Year’s Resolutions

Hit the gym at Least two times a week (no more drive-bys)

Comb my hair…… everyday

Perfect a masterpiece of a Hot Chocolate. Or at least better than Annettra’s!

Be more frugal. For Halloween next year I'm going as Santa Claus!

I will find out why that internet kit on "Fraud" that I purchased never showed up.

Only masturbate when aroused, not just when I’m bored

I will try to remember to put electric toothbrush IN my mouth before turning it on. Then maybe I wouldn't have to brush my teeth naked.

To have more sex! This year, I may even get a partner.

I will NOT date women based solely on appearance, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of personality and character, and of course, whether they can tie a cherry stem with their tongue or not.

Realize that women also have eyes. They come in different colors too!

Realize that I'm not perfect.

Make new friends. Ones that think I'm perfect.

This year try not to start off conversations with "I do do". I do do that a lot don't I?

Realize my ego makes a poor wingman. And he’s no better at pool than I am.

Stop texting and emailing people that are in the same room.

I promise I will never again go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: “There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Get in touch with my feminine side so I have someone to sleep with.


And finally, Bella's contribution; her one and only New Year's Resolution:

Grow opposable thumbs; break into the pantry and decide for HERSELF how many treats are *too* many.

Coffee & Kharma

As Bella lolled her weary head on the leg of the chair, visions of her resplendent day at the cafe and of those favored enough to have seen her careen gaily in her head. The smells; the smiles; the delighted looks and the nods of approval are all the succor of her imagination now. This, the result of her anticipated albeit infrequent peregrinations to her esteemed parochial coffee shop. The inviting aromas of brewed coffee, flavored teas and warm pastries waft through the air imbuing their way to the shops patio where they find Bella’s now resting senses. And though she would rather have the latter, all serve testimony to her campaign. This confluence of subtle aromas, gentle breezes and casual conversations offer a prelude to her slumberous state. Her day already rich and replete with memories, she is exhausted.

At first glance, you would not find her contrary to most other pugs you may have regarded. In addition to her wrinkled face, she is a playful, portly breed full of mischief most resembling a loaf of bread on legs than anything else. Not unlike most pugs, the pig-like grunting noises she often makes is to communicate with us humans. With Bella, however, it is her amorous nature and her sincere personality that truly set her apart. As usual all succumb to her charms. Her bounteous and unimpeachable affection serve to expel all trepidations and concerns for those lucky enough to have happened upon her, at least for the moment. And an auspicious moment it is. For once an introduction is made, few will forget her. If you have not had the fortuity to meet Kharma Isabella do not consider yourself unfavored. There is always next week. For even now as Bella slumbers she is already dreaming of you and of the serendipitous chance you may yet have to meet her.

Take me drunk I'm home!

If I can get pulled over twice in one night WALKING home (funny story-ask me some time) then I’d hate to calculate your odds of driving home this New Year’s.
Every night there are ads on TV about the evils of drinking and driving. The ads warn about how the police are cracking down.

So how do you tell if you are too drunk to drive? Here are some sure-fire signs. I hope this helps.

• You can't decide which steering wheel to use.
• You want to drive with your lights off so the cops won’t see you
• You get into an argument with your answering machine.
• The bouncer suddenly looks really hot.
• You have trouble speaking clearly. "Hi" comes out as "Wanna fuck?"
• You don’t recognize any of your friends in your cell phone.
• You have someone else’s cell phone
• You can't remember where you parked your car.
• You can't remember what a car looks like.
• You catch yourself singing karaoke, and enjoying it. :)
• You just spent an hour chatting up a cigarette machine.
• It's taken you an hour of yelling, throwing stuff and a near knife fight to realize that you and your friend have been in total agreement all along.
• It takes you another hour to realize that wasn’t your friend at all.
• You can’t find your left hand
• You drunk dial your mother
• You drunk dial MY mother (you bastard!)

Happy New Year! Take care everybody and be safe!

My Online Dating Profile

I recently explored the possibility of online dating. Ahh the wonderful world of online dating. First I had to come up with a profile. Not just any profile but one that would stand out against ALL the rest. I came up with the following:


Name:
Darkangelo

Headliner:
I can't wait to see how you look when I'm naked

Description:

40ish-year-old man
Tucson, Arizona, United States
Seeking women 23ish-39ish (i'm an ish kind of guy)
Within 3 miles of nearest Starbucks, Tucson, Arizona, United States

Relationships: Divorced

Have kids: None that I know of

Want kids: Someday (2) need someone to mow the lawn

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Body type: Athletic and toned

Height: 5'8 depending on the shoes

Religion: Spiritual but not religious

Smoke: No Way

Drink: Social drinker, maybe ten or twelve


About me and who I'm looking for:

In my spare time, I wonder what I would do if I had spare time. I am a quiet person that some mistake for slow. Okay...I'm not that quiet. Alright...I'm not quiet at all. When I'm not pretending to be myself, you can find me either counting spilled toothpicks in a small town diner or showing up for blind dates that aren't mine. I'm the product of cheap whiskey and 3 chord country music. My favorite sport besides touching myself is shaving cream whiffle ball. By day I'm a respected proprietor, by night ...I'm asleep. Currently I'm working on a better way to ship Styrofoam. I recently published a book about failures. It didn't sell. I consider it a success. My life goals include; coming up with another word for thesaurus; finding out what the best thing was "BEFORE" sliced bread; and finding someone to connect with! Most importantly I'm looking for someone to help me fold that damn bottom sheet!

Ok...it's like this. Ya know that guy that says hello to you when you are getting your mail at your apartment complex? Or how about that guy you are in line next to that lets you use his fry's card so you can get a discount at the grocery store? Or perhaps the one you see every morning going to your car to leave for work? I'm that guy! Perhaps if we talked to one another every now and then we all wouldn't be on here looking for something that is most likely right under our noses.

And for those of you that are choosing NOT to include a photo? You are only confirming our worst fears. You're here for a reason no? Its like, "Look at me! ...or ...don't"?

For fun:
I enjoy hiding in department store clothes racks and whispering "pick me... pick me!" when people browse them.
In addition I like to hike, play tennis, ride my mountain bike, take my pugs to the park, play guitar, watch a good movie at home or read.

Favorite hot spots:
I'm particularly fond of that place between where I've been and where I'm going.

Favorite things:
Favorite color is Indigo. I don't know why. I just like the way it sounds. I-n-d-i-g-o. I don't watch a lot of TV but my tastes are rather varied in this area. I LOVE to laugh but also enjoy Discovery channel, History channel etc.

Last read:
Does your profile count?

What's not to love? I have the number one profile on the site when not compared to any other profile.

Now after a quick search into what women were looking for, I came up with some common traits. Women seem to be looking for men that are rugged yet sensitive, responsible and take care of business, yet funny. They are looking for men that dress up well but like to dress it down every once in a while. Yep, it seems they are all looking for pretty much the same type: A Rodeo Clown!

Now Accepting Applications!

What are you applying for you ask? You are applying for the role of girlfriend and perhaps even soul-mate to me, Chris Case, all around good guy. There comes a time in every man's life when it's just time to settle down and start a family of his own. Here is the premise:
I've been burned by women so many times that I am finding myself basically becoming resentful towards any type of relationship. I find that I can no longer trust the opposite sex. So before I become COMPLETELY jaded and either become a monk or turn gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) I have been playing around with this idea for quite some time.

I can personally attest to how difficult it can be to find a “worth while” girlfriend. Up to this point typically I would invest a considerable amount of time in a girl only to find out things that either I didn't know about her, don't like about her or worse, was outright lied to about. So for the sake of making things easier on me and said prospective girlfriend it's come to this: The soul-mate agreement. By having prospects apply and by doing a more thorough background investigation I will be able to find out the relevant information I need to know in order to decide whether you are the type of girl for me or not. Instead of having to even bother with the phone calls, text messages, online dating sites, emails, drunken text messages, meetings at Starbucks, drunken emails or even dinner, you can simply apply by responding to this.

Be sure to review the following requirements and include as many photos of yourself as you believe is necessary to make your case. In addition, there will be no adaptation of this application for women because we all know the perfection that is Man. (ok ladies ….I deserve to get flamed on that one).


Girlfriend / Soul-Mate Agreement

I, Chris Case, would like to present myself as a prospective lover, boyfriend and/or future husband (soul-mate). Our love affair would be on probationary period for three months and after that period, depending on compatibility and how well you behave yourself, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of said probation period, there will be continuous "on-the-relationship" training and frequent relationship evaluations and appraisals which could lead to possible promotions from lover to spouse or termination of this agreement. The expenses incurred for coffees, dinners and entertainment would initially be shared equally between both parties. Later, based on your performance and whether you've called the cops on me or not, I may but will not be obligated to take up a larger share of the aforementioned expenses. However, being the broad-minded individual that I am as well as a firm supporter of the women's lib movement would consider allowing YOU to pay all expenses and even open doors for me.
You would have to be between the ages of 23 and 39. Sorry, I do not wish to play the role of father so if you did not get enough hugs as a child, please do not apply. I'll still hug you though. That's just the kind of guy I am. There are 50 qualifications and only two requirements. They are as follows:



Must not have voted for George Bush

Must never drink my last beer

Must pretend you didn't see me look at that chick with the big boobs

Must pretend you didn't see me look at that redhead

Always be impressed with how strong I am

Always be impressed with how smart I am.

Must not be a traveling nurse

Must be willing to try new things

Must be able to admit when she is wrong

The kinkier the better

Knows that handcuffs aren't just for cops but also knows that cops do not have to be involved for ME to wear them

Laughs at my jokes

Brings cookies to class

Won't steal my prescription medication out of my medicine cabinet

Returns my phone calls

TAKES my phone calls

Can give a great back rub

Doesn't care if I leave the seat up

Gives great !@*&

Doesn't chew tobacco

Doesn't smoke

Takes a shower every day, sometimes twice

Likes it when I pull her hair

Doesn't care if I go out with the guysDoesn’t mind if my pug sleeps in bed

Won't ever forget my birthday, or remind you when hers is coming

Won't @#&! any of my friends

Won't @#&!any of HER friends

The only drama you like is on TV

Can tie a cherry stem with your tongue (see gives great !@*&)

My kisses take her breath away

She takes MY breath away

Digs public displays of affection

Her best friend isn't a guy that she slept with

Sleeps better when I'm next to her

Thanks me every time I open the door for her

Never gives me shit in front of my friends

It gets better every time Is not judgmental

Doesn't need batteries

Actually WANTS to get married someday

Will touch herself and not be embarrassed

Will touch ME and not be embarrassed

Will show me her boobs in a store when nobody's looking

Will never say 'nothing’s wrong' when there is

Is excellent at scooping Ice Cream

Can't get enough of me

Will know when I'm kidding

Will not leave me in the middle of the night

Trusts me

Means it when she says she loves me



I request that you to kindly respond to this offer within 30 days of receiving this notice. Failure to do so would nullify this offer and your eligibility would be cancelled without further notice and at such time I shall consider someone else. If you received this offer in error or you do not wish to take me up on this offer then I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister or the nearest eligible redhead.
Thanking you in anticipation.


Yours ….perhaps,


The new Boyfriend


Disclaimer: This offer is void where prohibited by law or would otherwise get me in trouble. The sole purpose of this agreement is to find Chris Case a suitable mate and make you laugh in the process. If any party, group, minority or individual is in any way offended by this material it is suggested that you go Fuck yourself! I mean really ….lighten up. All characters and situations portrayed are purely fictitious. It's not always about you ya know. All material in this blog is copyrighted by Chris Case, Founder of the Purposeless Lists Corporation. PLC, Inc.

Textually Speaking

These days, I consider myself a pretty textually active guy. One of the biggest problems I find in text messaging, aside from the confounding acronyms and hybrid “text-speak”, is the lack of a 'message received' confirmation. Sure your phone tells you the message is sent, but unlike email, there's nothing to let you know the person at the other end actually got the message let alone read it. This then leads to you to send the same message three times, with sixteen follow up messages saying, "Did you get my first message?" Even then, a "yes" doesn't really help. Which message did they think was the first? Was it the first one I sent, or the first one they received - and they may not be the same one. So then you have to text them back to explain your dilemma and ask them to text you back what you said in the first message they received from you. By this time you are truly flustered with the included predictive text correcting feature on your phone. I told the last woman I was texting to, “Come on over I have tons of STDs. In fact, I have STDs that aren’t even out yet!” It took a while for me to notice that my phone was correcting my spelling of “DVDs” whether I wanted it to or not. It also took a longer while for her to ever talk to me again.

The next girlfriend wasn’t any better. When you have to grab a 10 year old out of line at Starbucks to help you decipher your girlfriend’s recent text message, you’re probably dating someone that is too young for you. You would think that I really hate text messaging. And maybe it is easier to actually call someone. Except if they have voicemail. Then that's a whole different kind of hell. Keep in mind; in either case you can't take the message back once you have sent it. It is instantaneous. You could always play the "Oh, I meant that for someone else" game. That is, unless you just texted, "I want to be on top of you right now!" to your mother. Well, actually, I haven't but you may have, and I am trying to empathize. This is where a follow up phone call is more appropriate than a textplanation. Some things cannot be explained away in 160 characters or less. Just why is it we have that precise limitation anyway? Maybe it is because of that 160 character limit that we have to endure things like LOL for “laughing out loud”, B4 instead of “before”, IDK in lieu of “I don’t know”, BRB for “be right back” and ATM, which does not mean “automatic teller machine.” Instead, in the texting world it stands for “at the moment”. In fact, if it were not for that 160 character limit, I would have just “texted” this to everyone.