What are you applying for you ask? You are applying for the role of girlfriend and perhaps even soul-mate to me, Chris Case, all around good guy. There comes a time in every man's life when it's just time to settle down and start a family of his own. Here is the premise:
I've been burned by women so many times that I am finding myself basically becoming resentful towards any type of relationship. I find that I can no longer trust the opposite sex. So before I become COMPLETELY jaded and either become a monk or turn gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) I have been playing around with this idea for quite some time.
I can personally attest to how difficult it can be to find a “worth while” girlfriend. Up to this point typically I would invest a considerable amount of time in a girl only to find out things that either I didn't know about her, don't like about her or worse, was outright lied to about. So for the sake of making things easier on me and said prospective girlfriend it's come to this: The soul-mate agreement. By having prospects apply and by doing a more thorough background investigation I will be able to find out the relevant information I need to know in order to decide whether you are the type of girl for me or not. Instead of having to even bother with the phone calls, text messages, online dating sites, emails, drunken text messages, meetings at Starbucks, drunken emails or even dinner, you can simply apply by responding to this.
Be sure to review the following requirements and include as many photos of yourself as you believe is necessary to make your case. In addition, there will be no adaptation of this application for women because we all know the perfection that is Man. (ok ladies ….I deserve to get flamed on that one).
Girlfriend / Soul-Mate Agreement
I, Chris Case, would like to present myself as a prospective lover, boyfriend and/or future husband (soul-mate). Our love affair would be on probationary period for three months and after that period, depending on compatibility and how well you behave yourself, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of said probation period, there will be continuous "on-the-relationship" training and frequent relationship evaluations and appraisals which could lead to possible promotions from lover to spouse or termination of this agreement. The expenses incurred for coffees, dinners and entertainment would initially be shared equally between both parties. Later, based on your performance and whether you've called the cops on me or not, I may but will not be obligated to take up a larger share of the aforementioned expenses. However, being the broad-minded individual that I am as well as a firm supporter of the women's lib movement would consider allowing YOU to pay all expenses and even open doors for me.
You would have to be between the ages of 23 and 39. Sorry, I do not wish to play the role of father so if you did not get enough hugs as a child, please do not apply. I'll still hug you though. That's just the kind of guy I am. There are 50 qualifications and only two requirements. They are as follows:
Must not have voted for George Bush
Must never drink my last beer
Must pretend you didn't see me look at that chick with the big boobs
Must pretend you didn't see me look at that redhead
Always be impressed with how strong I am
Always be impressed with how smart I am.
Must not be a traveling nurse
Must be willing to try new things
Must be able to admit when she is wrong
The kinkier the better
Knows that handcuffs aren't just for cops but also knows that cops do not have to be involved for ME to wear them
Laughs at my jokes
Brings cookies to class
Won't steal my prescription medication out of my medicine cabinet
Returns my phone calls
TAKES my phone calls
Can give a great back rub
Doesn't care if I leave the seat up
Gives great !@*&
Doesn't chew tobacco
Doesn't smoke
Takes a shower every day, sometimes twice
Likes it when I pull her hair
Doesn't care if I go out with the guysDoesn’t mind if my pug sleeps in bed
Won't ever forget my birthday, or remind you when hers is coming
Won't @#&! any of my friends
Won't @#&!any of HER friends
The only drama you like is on TV
Can tie a cherry stem with your tongue (see gives great !@*&)
My kisses take her breath away
She takes MY breath away
Digs public displays of affection
Her best friend isn't a guy that she slept with
Sleeps better when I'm next to her
Thanks me every time I open the door for her
Never gives me shit in front of my friends
It gets better every time Is not judgmental
Doesn't need batteries
Actually WANTS to get married someday
Will touch herself and not be embarrassed
Will touch ME and not be embarrassed
Will show me her boobs in a store when nobody's looking
Will never say 'nothing’s wrong' when there is
Is excellent at scooping Ice Cream
Can't get enough of me
Will know when I'm kidding
Will not leave me in the middle of the night
Trusts me
Means it when she says she loves me
I request that you to kindly respond to this offer within 30 days of receiving this notice. Failure to do so would nullify this offer and your eligibility would be cancelled without further notice and at such time I shall consider someone else. If you received this offer in error or you do not wish to take me up on this offer then I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister or the nearest eligible redhead.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours ….perhaps,
The new Boyfriend
Disclaimer: This offer is void where prohibited by law or would otherwise get me in trouble. The sole purpose of this agreement is to find Chris Case a suitable mate and make you laugh in the process. If any party, group, minority or individual is in any way offended by this material it is suggested that you go Fuck yourself! I mean really ….lighten up. All characters and situations portrayed are purely fictitious. It's not always about you ya know. All material in this blog is copyrighted by Chris Case, Founder of the Purposeless Lists Corporation. PLC, Inc.
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